PAST : Early Childhood

I had a great childhood. I mean, whats not to love. I had an amazing family. My house was right in front of a playground. I had a bike. The kids around the neighborhood were friendly...except for this one kid. I think his name was Yong Lee or sumthin. Well lets summarize some of the more memorable moments that i had growing up till i was 12. (in no particular order)

1. Saying F*ck out loud. Now this is a huge no no in any household and i remember the first time i said it out loud in front of my mom and dad. It was thanks to Eddie Murphy (One of my favorite stand up comedians of all time....Raw and Delirious...F*ckin classic).I was four. We were watching Coming to America and there was this scene where he just arrived in Brooklyn, and he opened the windows of his flat and screamed "Good Morning America", to which some homeless dude from down the street yells F*ck You!! Eddie, not knowing what it meant answered "F*ck you too" in a totally greeting-ish tone. I then said it over and over again and my parents were like "Amil, that's a bad word. Dont say that ok" but i kept on saying it and it gave me so much joy to know that such a little word could cause my parents so much discomfort. But the arms of retribution were swift and my dad slapped me on the side of the head. Lesson Learnt

When i was eight i had already mastered the art of cussing in school and my vocabulary expanded to include some of the less known cuss words as well as the usual favorites such as dickhead,cock,cunt,asshole,pukimak,cibai,chow hai and all derivatives of F*ck (i still dont know why im typing * instead of U....). I came home after school one day and was frustrated with my homework (anger management at such a young age kan..) so i just screamed out the word Pukimak. And my mom with impeccable timing just so happened to be there at that particular time to hear me say it. Without missing a beat, she headed straight for the kitchen, got some chilli padi and rubbed it all over my lips. There i was crying like a bitch, which is when i understood the importance of never saying cuss words in front of my parents which i still do until today. Lesson DEFINITELY learnt

2. Playing in the playground in front of my house. F*ckin awesome. I had a group of friends and we would cycle around the playground and our housing area all day. We would take our rackets and play badminton and also dig holes in the padang and play golf using a hockey stick and some ping pong balls. I was a slow learner when it came to cycling. I think i only knew how to cycle when i was 9 or 10. I remember us building mini bridges so that our bikes can cut across the drain to the padang. And i was still just getting used to the whole 2 wheel cycling thingy and attempted to cross the bridge. I F*cked up and fell straight into the drain knee first. I have the scar until today. Also remember this f*ckin kid who loved to just take my bike for a spin without my permission. One day i wanted to go home and i asked him to give me my bike back. He didnt give a shit and kept on doing his thing. 5 minutes later i landed my first Punch.

In the padang there were only two sports that people played. It was either badminton, or it was football. Thats where i learnt that i sucked big time in football and was always selected last amongst all the kids including the GIRLS!!! F*cked up. But i was a kickass goalkeeper though. I was tall and lanky and would always save the ball somehow or another la. Badminton was more my thing. Used to play King. First server. Second Server and King Serve .If you beat the king three times, you become King till someone beats your ass. I mean i wasnt good la. But i definitely wasnt bad.

3. Primary school was also pretty kick ass. I studied in Kampung Tunku and i was definitely considered the cool kid in school la. I was also such a Casanova. When i was 8 there was this girl that i was into and she sat beside me in class. SO i randomly asked her if she could cook. She said the only thing i can cook is maggi and fried eggs. Then i said, well if i marry you, then ill eat Maggi and fried eggs everyday la...(you gotta admit...pretty cute kan...)

I had a girlfriend in standard 6. Well she was kinda my GF, i mean everyone talked about us and shit but we were so shy to speak to one another. So we would pass notes to each other in class saying things like "your hair looks nice today" or "are you staying back after school".We never spoke to each other face to face. F*ckin hillarious i tell you. Funny Story. It was raining heavily one day after computer class and i normally walk home from school. SO i was chillin at the canteen to wait for the rain to subside and my GF walks to me and (for the first time) spoke to me. She asked me if i wanted a ride home and i said yes. We then entered her car which her brother was driving and she directed him to drive to my "house". She thought she knew where i lived and parked the car on the inside of some strangers porch. Me being my super shy self politely got out of the car and waved goodbye. After her car was long gone and apologizing to the stranger who was looking out his front door at me, i made the long walk home in the rain.

In primary school, i found out that i was actually good at sports that involve my hands. I was f*ckin kickass at handball and my school was like the Brazil of primary handball. I mean when we had the MSSD games, we seriously wiped the floor with our opponents. 14-0 la, 8-0 la. It was a f*ckin massacre. But it was during this tournament that i choked bigtime. During our friendlies and training sessions i was like one of the top strikers scoring at will, but during the tournament i scored only 1 goal!! F*ckin shy rite...blamed it on the ball, the official ball was slightly bigger and didnt have as much grip as the rubber ball that i was used to playing. (sour grapes la konon...hahaha)

I was also into basketball cards. Collected a whole bunch of them and learned the art of conning people and being conned. One of my best friends at the time (Sachpal), was also and avid collector and we used to trade cards or take the bus (intrakota 47D...ol skool) to sungai wang where we would hang out at the T-Shop which was a basketball card haven and talk basketball with the fella's there. There we would buy like super expensive cards, and sell whatever valuable cards we had. I remeber my most valuable card was a Shaq Flair rookie card. I think at that time it cost about USD20. And i sold it for a whole bunch of Chris Webber cards. Such a dumb ass. The card costs about USD200 now....hahaha...One of my biggest cons (and kena con) of all time was this limited edition Michael Jordan 99 card set. I bought it for RM100 and sold if for RM200. Thats alot of dough when your 12. But after checking Beckett (the magazine which had all the basketball card prices), its actual worth was only like RM50 for the whole set.

But the story that takes the cake i think was a little nickname that i had when i was in Primary school. I was labeled professor sex when i was 10. I mean i knew about the birds and bee's and watched my first porno at this age. I grew up really quick la. So one day during our free period in class, i just went on the board and asked the class if they knew where babies came from. And i just started explaining and drawing on the board pictures of "mommy and daddy" and came up with this mathematical equation where to get pregnant, your parents must have sex twice. (because at that age, the whole sex thing was kinda gross). So we would be making fun of kids with huge families. "Eww....you have 5 siblings....your parents had sex 10 times....gross..."Kids used to come up to me to understand more about sex and i explained to the best of my ability. I had a cousin who hooked me up with some girly magazines and showed these kids what tits and pussy and ass looked like. Good times.